Where Do I Begin?

Just as a typical layman fears — fear of inadequacy; fear of rejection; fear of mediocrity; fear of judgement. It encripted deeply still regardless of oceans of times.
In retrospection, 365 days had taught me so much more than I'd have anticipated.




"I finally understood. It wasn't the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind wasn't simply enough, not anymore."

To the someone who wouldn't be seeing this at all, thank you.
For? hurting me; in the most passive manner; I doubt my worth; prior to summer finals; in the name of freedom. Why? if I hadn't fall THIS HARD to stoop THIS LOW down to the ground, I wouldn't have sprouting in the new green seeds afresh. 
Hence to restore this huge foolish mistake.

To loss is a gain — in too many ways.

Ever grateful for : people who stood by me, displaying sincerity despite my shortfalls, instilling passions, uplifting words & companionships, reinforce virtues in my head, never gave up upon my stubbornness and ultimately, listening.



It doesn't matter if the wrong ones gone someday somewhere down the lane. You perceived multiple colors & faces of people, counter no more but acceptance. You grow up to be a better person than you were few months ago, few weeks ago, few days ago.
You practice compassion. You practice kindness. You embrace gratitude. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly, the journeys pretty much outweigh the miseries.

Zone Out

It's awful. It's dreary. Sometimes, you stumbled upon these grey vibes. letting the weight of emotions held you down. Unknowingly. Tears express on its behalf when words are paled. Nothing soothes better than that of tranquility. 

more likely than not, snaps --- random yet familiar scenes flashes through your head; throwback comes knocking in the middle of nowhere, out of the blue, uninvited down the memory lane disturbingly. sometimes beautiful, sometimes unpleasant.


you, too, drowned yourself in the vast opinions of others. reality slams you harder. some favorable, some are plain bullshits. you didn't like it at all. you felt disconnected & somewhat alienated from these people who claim themselves to be bold, brazen & outstanding, as they stretch out the fabric of hypocrisy & drape it all over your spaces of hopeful idealism. you vacillate between acceptance & anger; friendship & enmity. it tempts you to overwhelming doubts. plummeting trusts. consequently, you are against yourself viscerally.

nonetheless, you have to lift your head above the clouds no matter what. you don't always encounter a good samaritan every part down the journey. recon one thing : twas' just another part, another phase of progressive growing. you know you are capable of constructing your own reality. you do not have to give in, blend in, buy what they opined, jump onto their bandwagon. you don't have to subscribe to the world's ideas of "hows and whys". you listen to your good shepherd in the higher realm. why bother wiping out? rightful or crooked, afterall, who's having a bigger say in your future?   

Connecting The Dots

Sometimes in the dark stretch of the night it happens, you caught yourself aimlessly staring at the ceiling, replaying the day in your head. Intertwined stillness. 

1) The sayings are true :– only know you 'love' something when it was gone // distance made the heart grow fonder (flashes a brittle smile), things like these. One of the closest and recent examples I could draw are - privileges and people. 

As I observe the ebbing tide brushes the shore momentarily, tides, high and low, both changes fast, made me perceived that just as how quickly people may fade in and out from my life. I was given no choice but accepting their absence(some eternally, some decided to walk away) and celebrating their presence(I'm thankful). Sometimes, behaviors and reactions reveal truth in the most 'compelling' ways. 

Privileges— to attend church, our very own church, not solely tied to the structural building, but includes the lovely assertive community. For the past many years, 'church' has always been easily accessible. I attend upon discretion - from weekdays bible study, connect group, to weekend services. Till the past few days, while I was sitting down quietly on the backstage, I've come to realise that, hey, time to leave...? I'll certainly, more than probable, miss this lovely church. I may be back for short while, nonetheless still a much lengthier period. What amazes me? The process of engaging ourselves in this new building in every way; The joy of reaping after endless sowing from thousand souls for more than a decade; Beyond grateful when I first walk through the enormous metal gate, extending my fingers to gently brush the barriers with silver crosses in between fixed beautifully; The numerous smiling faces of members that greet on every Sunday, blissful fellowships; God is indeed, too marvelous for words.

2) Hearts are fragile. I can be tough, I can be a hardcore, but there is a soft spot where I only opened to a few. I do believe fragility of life makes every moment meaningful. No? When you see the display of my Cheshire Cat signature smile, who ever tells you that I would not be swung down by the weight of emotions? I've learnt to peacefully accept what I cannot manipulate (does not indicates my slight dominance and intuition has been swept off tho), perceiving this as the consideration provided for growing up, more inherent pitfalls, less leeway for me, I, myself mentality. Failure wasn't even an option. 


"When I found the joy of reaching Your heart, when my will becomes enthralled in Your love. When all things that surround me, becomes shadow in the Light of Yours."

"In Christ alone., my hope is found. He is my light my strength, my song. From life's first cry to final breathe, Jesus commands my destiny."
Lord, empower me to do Thy will, shines with dignity and radiates to the brightest. My capabilities are confined, but it SHALL be made perfect in Thy boundless strength. Amen. 

Awestruck Wonder | Summer Break To Present

It has been a long while since I last wrote something lengthy, no? Here's another attempt, to share the stories that are stored inside my head, and letting people know the goodness that resides, and NOT JUST the badness that escapes(excessively). No, just joking there's nothing much about goodness. 

Is it true that people often reflect on their 20's as a time for adventure and self-discovery, an idealistic era when we are able to figure out the world, how we want to fit in? In my own tranquil moments, I stopped and contemplated about incidents that happened, wrong pick of choices, it leads to frustration. I was somehow annoyed at myself, hardly bringing anything decent I preached, to the table, to practice. 

It took me a long time to come to a realisation : Times are destined to be tough, it's totally important that you don't lose sight of your purpose, you can't forget about your dreams, regardless of how absurd they may be. It's easy to dream, but ain't seeing the dream through.

Cliques and life may tempt you into complacency. No, never let your goals be drowned in the voices of the crowd. Nobody ever says it is going to be simple, thus it is so important to cling on to the bible verses, cling on to Jesus. "This is my prayer in the fire. In weakness or trial or pain, there is a faith proved more worth than gold. So refine me Lord through the flames." With my own eyes, I've seen the deaf can hear, the lame rise up walking and praising God in the Healing Rally. I've also learnt that, when life comes swinging at you, stretching your tolerance and endurance quota, it is God the Father at work. Remember, Christ is the anchor of your soul. I'm also pretty thankful that God sent a brilliant god-bro from church, which happened to be a senior lawyer into my life. Nick never fails to provide thoughtful ideas, views and godly advice whenever it comes to the gist of legal studies and reality. All these little things, are just tip of an iceberg of how good our Father in heaven is!

In the other aspect of life, I'm pretty glad I moved on from the wrong ones. That was couple of months back. It hurts a little. Speaking about getting into sparks of chemistry and eventually, flourishes into a relationship, perhaps, above anything else, charm, eloquence or humor, I want a man who will ENLIVEN me. Certainly, a Christian who will yearn to God. 

Here's about travelling :-
I celebrated my birthday(s) in Hong Kong twice in a row. A city full of cramped high-rise buildings, overpriced property, spaces and rooms are greatly limited, huge boutiques filled corners of the bustling streets, and the unfamiliar faces are more likely, displaying impatience. I enjoyed standing still alongside Star Avenue Promenade, allowing the cold and strong sea breeze to seep through my pores, stopping all the mindless rushing.

The Hong Kong Convention Center's art exhibition didn't fail to amaze me either. I personally prefer taking double-decked trams,playing typical tourist. Trips like these does make a difference for the r'ship with my mumsy and I, as some of you may know, my parents works in overseas and K.L and I remained on this wonderful island, we don't communicate THAT often. 



Right after I sat for the 4 papers, Criminal, Public, Common and Contract Law, I went to ESCAPE Theme Park, again and again for the umpteenth times. Oh those glorious and victorious bruises, I felt real and accomplished! I outran most of my course mates, their responds be like, "Damn you woman, you hardcore maniac!" Radiant Victory GGWP! 

In the month of July, I spent a week of blissful, non-glamorous summer holidays in Borneo, Sabah, I felt refreshed. Though I was injured, that didn't stop me from thanking God for the wonderful travelling companions and adventures! 

I'm enamored by the scenery itself : the history of the skyline, silhouettes of sunsets illuminating the mountains, the blue expanse, small fishing boats that dotted the horizon, wooden houses built along the mighty mountain. The people here, extends their welcome with a friendly expression. The animated conversations bargaining goods with possible lowest price, showing kindness of locals towards foreigner like us. The photographs captured, tell stories in the most compelling ways. This journey unfolded a few things :- growth of bond-between the five of us, joint-tenancy spending (lol), being bold and ultimately stand as ONE in horrible tough times.



August

So here's the exciting part! My first participation in the Model United Nations, to simplify_ SMUN. I've never encountered anything like jumping into endeavors that are entirely alien/ foreign to me. 'Twas a mixed feelings and of course, I'd like to thank Joe for bringing me to such exposure. Without any idea how/what is it like, before even consulting the details with him, I was being YOLO, signed up in the crisis committee, English Privy Council. In the first day, I was mind-blown to some extent, intimidated at large, I lost my usual typical guts to speak and debate. Somewhat coward. Lol!

As times passed and assisted by the chairs, it gets slightly better, maybe? Aside from amazing and awesome, the experience was indescribable! This platform has enabled me to learn, so much! It truly brings my favorite motto to live - "The world is my classroom." Role-playing as delegates representing different nations, making new friends who are able to promote optimism and confidence, encouraging, a generation that has the ability to be authentic, real and ultimately, make a difference. I mean, why not? To sum it up, a very humbling experience. I'm more than thankful given such opportunity to engage myself in such an event. 

This was also a month, where our results were released. Although I didn't achieve the high hopes I've set, I want to praise Jesus! I personally think that, I do not deserve certain marks but I thrived through anyway.

So much to learn and looking forward with expectations, encountering Trusts and Equity, Law of Tort, Property Law and Commercial Law! Damn, this is when hopeful idealism meets hard pragmatism.Assessing those failing rates, flip through the pages of the new syllabus, my faith in doing this hasn't stumbled completely but shaken at large. This is when I could only cling on and be assured the Spirit will lead me, to trust in Him without borders. 

All in all, glory to God, who embraced me through the thrilling life adventures, ups and downs, and get back up once again! I want to stay obedient at such a time, be fully utilised for the extension of the Kingdom, be able to evangelise. Apart from that, I would like to be a catalyst for affirmative change, spark an impulse in others, remain authentic to my beliefs and those values I upheld. Feel free to confront me, if you care for me, if I'm falling apart from the Truth. xx

Why I Love CNY!

How could one not love the season of Chinese New Year, embrace the culture and be proud of it?

The CNY itself is special (at least it is for me). It emerges from tales/ myths —— "Nian" 年 . 

It was believed that the color red, scares off the monster and brings prosperity. 

It is celebrated since immemorial time in remembrance of a gallant battle with the beast.

This festival isn't merely about collecting Ang Pau and prosperity but I see it as a privilege for family members and acquaintance to be connected. Realistically speaking, we don't take the efforts to meet and listen to one another on a regular basis. Time is a luxury in a bustling lifestyle for the majority.

The reunion dinner marks a new initial. We could see various familiar faces, the aged and the young, flashing saccharine smiles, with joy, excitement and of a grateful heart. 

At times, the constant same old questions do lead to annoyance. Nonetheless, think of it, someday when we grow up, decades later, they may not be there anymore. Press on. I hope I walk what I preached as well.

This is also a time where nostalgic memories are brought forth, rung in our minds and to be created. The scent of inexpensive burnt fire-crackers, marveling fireworks where it costs us a fortune yet worth it, forms part of the celebration. 

Lo and behold, Thank You Father God for the Grace, allowing us to have a beautiful and wonderful time bonding with people around. I truly enjoyed the Korean Ginseng soup based steamboat, glad to kickstart the first day in church serving as one of the backup singers. One of the many more reasons I love this season, it's because everything is in RED. Listening to the musics and songs, sensing the atmosphere, be reminded of ancestors and honoring deity, it's somehow indescribable. 

P/S : Wishing you a BLESSED CHINESE NEW YEAR! HUAT AH! GONG XI FA CAI!

You Crowned The Year.

Much gratitude to the Lord most high because Thou had crowned the year with Thy goodness, answered us with awesome deeds. Thy hope will resound to the distant lands and farthest seas! I've spent the new year eve, committing all my resolutions and grandiose to the Father ; laid all the encumbrances, foes and wrongdoings before the altar. The next morning, kicking start a new day attending Catechism mass and head on to hike. I felt spiritually contented, yet I know there's still a substantial void to be filled and ordained by the will of our Father. 

• Academically, score 2- 50's ; 2- 60's. 
• Spiritually, aiding the extension of God's Kingdom. 
• Physically, toning up and sustain it! 
• Produce reservoir of forgiveness.

Sounded like its gonna be a gallant battle. Needless to be instructed, the journey review was so far, so good. I am constantly striving for inner growth, yet I was weighed down by plenty of earthly emotions. Nonetheless, you must be convinced, there is no true stagnancy. I've learnt it somewhere, the you yesterday is not the same as the you tomorrow. Along the way, I learnt the fact as well that goals and notions shan't be way too ambitious as it will erode real quick before even C.N.Y is over. 

It's a new beginning, I whispered to myself. Let all the rancorous inveterate, be QUELLED and BURNED. 

Not skeptical nor mere idealism, I know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

Do agree with me, somewhere deep down in our hearts, we long for positive compliments such as, our character has transformed to the brighter side, how little things we've done for people. Even if no one acknowledges us, GOD does. 

Next, there should be a drastic cut in spending. It's the 16th day, and despite spending on necessity, things are still under control. I hope that the fuzzy details will make the plan more bizarre. At the moment, I'm hoping the coming birthday vacation will serve as a breeze compare to my real life. We know the journey is still in the process of unfolding. Vividly? Frantically?
I just want things to be done with my youthful audacity that will last probably like 10 more years, reaching its fruition every 31st of December. I intend to work in Nick's firm during the long summer break, with some expectations to learn more. Hey, learning is a progress close to everlasting. 

Something about love : Indescribable, but FEEL. It makes one gnashes their teeth, yet remains for reasons. We are then willing to raise a white flag on behalf of our flamboyant egos. It works similarly for family and even people we CARE. In the end of the day, through Grace, are are compelled to love, to show mercy and to serve one another. Love was never meant to be measure with a yardstick of cents and contributions, be it mighty or trivial. It's more like, allowing Christ to intervene, and there's prominent growth. 

All in all, glory, triumphs is not the ultimate matter. It's our attitude that matters.

Endurance Quota Upgraded.

Life could be pretty amazing, but how you fix the adamant will be another issue. Oh well it's somewhat full of smiles and frowns I am not prepared to catch it. It's just perfect to kick start with some guzzling jolt, and I'll be able to motor from task to task. Anyway, I literally love the recent weather where streets were drizzled in autumn leaves!

The bittersweet journey of A-Levels, yes, the Pre-U phase has finally come to an end. Just imagine how you bolt through the crowd with excitement to have a glimpse of your achievements but it turned out - HORRIBLY OBNOXIOUS.  It was a tough time for an egoistic young lady ( referring to myself, yes ) to accept her own failures, fell greatly out of her expectation. Indeed, this is due to the fact that failures are more finely etched in our minds than triumphs. When cliques around you, told you that it is good enough, move on from imperfections and gravitate towards a new hope. I'm thankful I could be totally frank to spill the beans to my college seniors/ best friends whom I meet in a weekly basis, because I don't really have to camouflage my fatigue and sorrows. In some way, their sarcasm act as an encouragement.

Apart from friends, how could I not mention the significance of biblical theology? I want offer a big praise to the Most-High God for blessings and lessons thus far. "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father You are King over the flood, I will be still know YOU are God."

Embarking to the new LLB program (which in fact doesn't sound new to me at all), initially I was inclined to hoopla of excitement. Questions get sticky. Relentless pace. A sophomore year perhaps? (Summer break sounds harmful if you're not aware of the momentum). I prevent myself from drowning in self-pity despite how the weight of emotions hold me down. I choose to take setbacks as a golden platform, learn not to react, sometimes proactive. When there's collision of interest, you know what to do. You will adapt, you will blend in peacefully, you will jump onto the bandwagon. Thank you people for the high tolerance of both my frivolous and insolence side. (well maybe sound exaggerated)
"Seek ye the Kingdom of God and all things shall be added unto Thee" shall be my ultimate priority.
Greater things are yet to come! There are always pockets of improvement. Besides, I was really glad to have a god-bro who offers to provide help in academic from church!  I can rest assure that my Almighty Lord is guarding over me, His light will dispel my darkness, and I shall thrive through meritoriously with a little effort and passion. Remember, FAITH makes all things possible!
Prophetic or pathetic is YOUR CHOICE.

Alright, there's enough sensational detail to keep the tabloid pages filled. Bye!